Funny Story about Brian Clough by Dean Saunders

Speaker 1 (00:00):

I spoke to Evanton in the morning. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, Arthur Cox on me and said that Everton had bid 2.9 million for you, 2.9 million for the Saunders. So I went and spoke to Howard Kendall. That was interesting. <laugh> not as in, not as interesting as Brian Cluff and it pitched the scene. So I’ve gotta go meet him at Alan Hill house on the 8 52 in Nottingham. So wait yourself four o’clock? Yeah. Four o’clock, three bedroom detached house. Me and my agent Kevin Mason who looks like Robbie Coltrane <laugh> cracker. Just news. Just get the picture. It looks like he like cracker. He’s a ringer for cracker. Yeah. So we walk in gaffer’s on his way from the ground. He, he’ll be here in five minutes. So we sit down in the lounge, it’s the best garden you’ve ever seen. The back garden’s perfect. We sit down on the set, the Archie Gamble, cup of tea.

(00:43)
Next thing knock on the door. Gaffer here. Yeah. Brian Cluff walks in. Green sweatshirt. Green sweatshirt. White shorts, white socks, blotchy cheeks, <laugh> walks in blotchy cheeks. I stand up. I was obviously a bit nervous as Brian Cluff. Yeah. Young man. Nice to see you. Sorry. Nice to meet you. Mr. Cluff Looks at Kevin. My agent son doesn’t even shake his hand. We sit down and he walks up the opposite end of the house. Yeah. Sits on the chair with his nose about an inch from the wall looking at the wall. <laugh>, I was thinking, what’s he doing? <laugh>. And he doesn’t say anything for about a minute. And we just sat there and all of a sudden he went, son Stern at the wall, just stand at the wall. And he went to Son, can I speak to you or do I have to speak to him to speak to you?

(01:30)
I said, you can speak to me Mr. Cluff. He went, thank you son. Cuz I don’t really like talking about football in front of him. <laugh> because he’s a fat. So, so I first start laughing. Kevin’s not laughed. So at this point he slid off the arm of the chair onto his knees on the floor and he’s sitting back on his heels going, I’ve got bad knees son. My knees <laugh>, my knees are killing me son. And he starts crawling <laugh> on his hands and knees towards me. I was up the other end of the house, he’s crawling on the floor. I’m thinking, what? I can’t believe what’s going on. It’s a British record transfer. This is supposed to be <laugh>. And he stops, looks at the carpet and he went, Ellie like your carpet son. <laugh>. He said, where’d you get that from? He went carpet. Right. <laugh>, how much he went?

(02:19)
1299 a square yards. He went, my Barbara would love that carpet. <laugh>, good choice. Silly son <laugh> At this point they started to work out. He might be drunk <laugh>. He crawls up to me and he sit back, he crawls to me. He’s crawling on his hands and knees. Yeah. And he looks out out the patio doors. The best garden ever. And he spot and he sits back on his heels. He goes, my knees. What a lovely garden. <laugh>. Do you like flowers son? He said to me, do you like flowers? I went there. All right. He went, hang on, don’t move. He goes outside, gets this pot. There’s the best pot you’ve ever seen with flowers. Spilling out this pot. Yeah. He’s trying to get his hands around the old lot to him out

Speaker 2 (03:00):

<laugh>.

Speaker 1 (03:01):

Ellie runs out behind him. He went, gaffer,

Speaker 2 (03:03):

No,

Speaker 1 (03:04):

Don’t put us my best part. Don’t pull him out. He went, Ellie, you are ruining the deal son. The lad likes flowers.

Speaker 2 (03:10):

<laugh>.

Speaker 1 (03:12):

So he gets a handful of flowers, gives ’em to me,

Speaker 2 (03:14):

<laugh>.

Speaker 1 (03:15):

It goes on ages. This story by the way, it’s hilarious. It’s okay. Don’t

Speaker 2 (03:18):

For two hours, make it

Speaker 1 (03:19):

Longer. Anyway, he comes in with the flowers and he went, smell that sun. Smell that. What do you think? I smelled the flowers.

Speaker 2 (03:26):

<laugh>.

Speaker 1 (03:27):

I’ve gone. Nice. Yeah. He went, I love flowers.

Speaker 2 (03:31):

<laugh>.

Speaker 1 (03:32):

Did you like Frank? I went Franco, he went Frank Sinatra.

Speaker 2 (03:35):

Oh yes.

Speaker 1 (03:36):

He said, Ellie put Frank on that ad likes Frank Sinatra, my kind of town. Chicago comes on brilliant. He gets the flowers out his pocket. He says, get your mic out on <laugh>, get your mic out. Cuz he puts ’em in my jacket pocket Morrison. I said, what you mean? He went, get your mic out. So I get the flowers out my pocket as my mic. I’m now singing the chorus to Frank Sinatra, my kind of town, Chicago on British record transfer in Alan NI’s house. I was thinking, what’s going on? So he sings a song all the way through.

Speaker 2 (04:07):

Yeah,

Speaker 1 (04:08):

I, I was going, Chicago

Speaker 2 (04:10):

Is <laugh>.

Speaker 1 (04:11):

He said, come on sing. They can all sing where you come from. <laugh>.

Speaker 2 (04:15):

So that’s whale. She Cause I’m, well,

Speaker 1 (04:20):

So he goes, um, he goes right now, then you like Frank, you like flowers. Do you like me son? Big question for you. Do you like me? I said, I had to say yes. And I said, I can play for you Mr. Cluff. He went, that’s it Ellie, we’ve got him. He loves me, he loves bring the contract. Kevin, who hasn’t said a word, my agent opens his mouth.

Speaker 2 (04:37):

Oh.

Speaker 1 (04:38):

He says, actually Mr. Cluff, we’ve got a few things to discuss before you’ve got him. He said, who send? You could speak Fatso

Speaker 2 (04:44):

<laugh>. Right. He’s killed him. So he went

Speaker 1 (04:50):

Take Fatso out in the garden.

Speaker 2 (04:52):

<laugh>,

Speaker 1 (04:53):

I can’t talk about football in front of him. So he walks out the patio doors and Cliffy went, son, get yourself another agent. <laugh>. I went, why? He said, look at the size on him <laugh>. I went, he’s my mate. He said, he’s your mate. He’d eat everything in your fridge.

Speaker 2 (05:05):

<laugh>. So he, so he, so we sit back

Speaker 1 (05:08):

Down. Archie Gamble says, right, but what are we gonna do? Gaffa we gonna eat. He said, is it not done Arch? Have you not done the deal? He went, no. He said, what have you been doing? He said, well get on with it. Get on with it. So we sit on the patio outside. Archie Gamble’s got persuaded me at the time for Forest. Yeah. And the CL sits down, folds his arms go on Arch, get it sorted, get it sorted. To Archie Gamble goes Dean, uh Right. I know you spoke to Evanton this morning. Yeah. Whatever you do. Don’t be swayed by the money.

Speaker 2 (05:38):

<laugh>. Fluffy

Speaker 1 (05:39):

Went fluffy went, gotta stop you there. Arch <laugh>. I would be carry on

Speaker 2 (05:44):

<laugh>. So, shock Archie a bit <laugh>.

Speaker 1 (05:49):

He then goes and the other thing is Nigel Gaffer sun. He’ll create you 20 goals a season on his own. He went, gotta stop you again there Arch. I’m gonna tell Ard you’ve said that. Thank you for that. He love that Carry on. <laugh>. So Arch he’s got, he said, Katherine, I dunno what we can offer him. What can we offer him? He went Arch, he likes flowers, he likes Frank and he loves me. The lad doesn’t want any money. <laugh> do you son. So I thought, how can I get out of it? I’ve gotta get out of here somehow. So I went, yeah, I want, I don’t want any money. I’ve gotta speak to my wife though. I’ve gotta go, I’ve gotta speak to my wife before I signed contract. So I went home 12 miles away, pulled over. Kevin says, you better go out, out of order calling me fat. Yeah. Out. Can you treat me with so little respect. You’re not signing for them. Got to my back door, went in the back door, said to my wife, you’re not gonna believe what’s happened to me today, <laugh>. She went, sh she’s putting a finger on her lips. Sh I went, what? You know, which she’s, she’s pointed in my lounge. I know he’s already, he’s only sat in my lounge <laugh> the pot from the garden

(06:55)
With his arm on my in-law.

Speaker 3 (06:59):

Oh

Speaker 1 (07:00):

God. I was proud. He tried to sign me. It was, that’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to me in.